The Baron normally doesn't waste much time on political fluff pieces like this example from today's LA Times, but it got me to thinking: Well, why not? Perhaps we can make some qualitative judgments about these candidates based on their tastes in the arts, music, film, pop culture and the like. Maybe it's the old Liberal Arts major in me coming out again, I dunno. But I wonder sometimes if it's just as easy to judge a candidate's character based on the types of books he reads, or the music he listens to, as it is by trying to decipher his policy positions. So, without further ado, let's dig in. For the sake of fun, we'll score a winner in each category, and we'll disqualify a candidate in each category based on either cultural irrelevance, egregiously bad taste, or excessive pandering, until we narrow down the field to one Democrat and one Republican---our 2008 Dream Team. Here we go:
MUSIC. Candidate Theme Songs: Elvis Presley's "A Little Less Conversation"
Obama: John Mayer's "Waiting on the World to Change",
Ben Harper's "Better Way"
Huck: Anything by the Rolling Stones
Clinton: Celine Dion's "You and I"
McCain: "Gonna Fly Now (Theme From Rocky)", Abba's "Take a Chance on Me" and "Johnny B. Goode" by Chuck Berry
Paul: None chosen.
Trenchant Analysis: Mitt and McCain are both hopeless squares (though Freudians will have a field day with Mitt's title of choice), Obama is cutting-edge hip (at least in this group), Huck's a regular guy, Hillary is a Muzak junkie, and Paul of course wants to do away with music altogether since there's nothing in the Constitution about it.
Loser? McCain makes a strong case for expulsion, but if I absolutely had to banish any one of these musical acts to Pluto . . . sorry, Hillary, you've been voted off the Bellagio.
Winner: Obama gets points for actually listening to contemporary music, but for sheer timelessness, it's Huck by a country mile. One wonders, however, how this mighty man of God can get through Stones tunes like "Some Girls" and "Star Star" without having a crisis of conscience. Sympathy for the . . . What?!?!?
TELEVISION. Favorite Shows:Mitt: Lost
Obama: HBO's The Wire and ESPN Sportscenter
Huck: The Colbert Report, The Sopranos
McCain: Prison Break
Paul: None chosen.
Trenchant Analysis: Obama and Huck sure know their way around a cable remote, McCain enjoys reliving his youth vicariously through TV, and Mitt yet again provides ample fodder for armchair shrinks. Paul . . . well, y'know, it's the Constitution and all that.
Loser: Prison Break is his favorite show? What, it's occupying the same slot as To Catch a Predator? See you later, John.
Winner: Ron Paul. Who has time to watch TV when you're trying to save the Constitution, anyway?
CULTURE WARS. The Entertainment Industry:
Mitt: "I'm deeply troubled about the culture that surrounds our kids today. Following the Columbine shootings, Peggy Noonan described our world as 'the ocean in which our children now swim.' She described a cesspool of violence, and sex, and drugs, and indolence, and perversions. She said that the boys who did the shooting had 'inhaled too deeply in the oceans in which they swam.' I'd like to see us clean up the water in which our kids are swimming. I'd like to keep pornography from coming up on their computers. I'd like to keep drugs off the streets. I'd like to see less violence and sex on TV and in video games and in movies."
Obama: "I would call upon the video game industry to give parents better information about programs and video games by improving the voluntary rating system we currently have. Broadcasters and video game producers should take it upon themselves to improve this system to include easier to find and easier to understand descriptions of exactly what kind of content is included. But if the industry fails to act, then my administration would."
Huck:"I support the writers, by the way. Unequivocally, absolutely. They're dead right on this one. And they ought to get royalties off the residuals and the long-term contracts."
Paul:"[I trust] some of [the media.] But I trust the Internet a lot more, and I trust the freedom of expression. And that's why we should never interfere with the Internet."
Trenchant analysis: Almost everyone is out of character here. Based on their respective backgrounds, one would expect Romney's reply to have emanated from Huckabee, Huck's from Obama, and Obama's from Romney. Ron Paul would appear to be more well-adjusted than a lot of his policy positions suggest.
Loser? For sheerly gratuitous pandering, there is no topping Mitt here, and as a lovely parting gift, may we proudly present you with a copy of Halo 3 on your way out the door.
Winner: Paul again. The only one here who sounds even remotely sincere.
STAR POWER. Celebrity Entourages:Obama:
Oprah Winfrey, Sen. Ted Kennedy, Ben Harper, Toni Morrison, Gov. Janet Napolitano (Arizona), Sen. Claire McCaskill (Missouri), Hulk Hogan.
Huck: Chuck Norris.
Paul: WWE wrestler Kane, ex-Baywatch babe Donna D'Errico, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer cast member Emma Caulfield.
Trenchant Analysis: GOP political endorsements defy rational analysis.
Loser: Tough call to make, but there's strength in numbers, not to mention the support of Baywatch babes. See ya, Huck.
Winner: You don't need to ask, now, do you?
So there you have it: It's Obama vs. Paul in the general election. See how easy that was? Who needs Chris Matthews after all?
---Vitelius