brainiac conspiracy

Lies, Damn Lies, and True Lies

Far be it from me to engage in baseless rumor-mongering and salacious whisper campaigns against highly respected public figures. So I won't.

---Vitelius

Silly Savages

Conservatives really do fixate on the oddest things:

Of course, the Bible indicates that homosexual behavior was practiced in Abraham’s time (Genesis 19:4–5), so if it could somehow be confirmed that this was indeed a “homosexual caveman,” Bible believers would not be surprised.

---Vitelius

Your Liberal Media

This makes no sense whatever:

Considering that one of our two major political parties seems content to shut down the federal government over Planned fucking Parenthood, I can't see how this provides any test of the President's "leadership style" unless we interpret that to mean his ability to manage a daycare center filed with bratty preschoolers. One would think this a more appropriate question to pose to the Speaker of the House of Representatives, whose delegation has already won the policy battle---spending cuts always, tax increases never---but which is now using this sorry little spectacle as a baldfaced excuse to punish liberals. The fact that this bargaining tactic might hurt a lot of other people in the process doesn't really trouble them, and a good deal of that callousness is encouraged, however inadvertently, by a Beltway media culture that seems perpetually reticent to actually call out the bomb-throwers in the GOP for the juvenile delinquents that they are. Bomb-throwers make for good snappy copy, after all, so why discourage their destructive antics?

---Vitelius

The Conservative Meaning of Tort Reform

Basically, you don't have the right to sue a member of the medical profession for botching a routine surgical procedure or peddling products that give your kids brain seizures. On the other hand, you do have the right to sue a member of the medical profession if you happen to be an ex-fetus:

Enter Georgia State Senator Barry Loudermilk, the author of what may be the strangest antiabortion bill to come out of Georgia yet, which is really saying something. I’ve been calling his most recent proposal the sue-if-you’re-displeased-with-her-choice bill. (It doesn’t have a better name yet, since, as far as I can tell, it’s the first of its kind to reach a legislative body.)

Loudermilk’s bill, which is being considered today, would allow a woman
---or the members of her own family, including an abusive husband---to file a wrongful death lawsuit against a doctor who has performed an abortion. The bill spells out that the damages for the wrongful death of the fetus would be equal to those for an adult person. And it would allow the suits even if the doctors involved followed all laws regarding abortion and if the women involved don’t consent to the suit. [Editor's note: Loudermilk's bill, SB 210, passed through Georgia's senate in the evening of March 16, and now moves to the state's House.]

These creepy people never fucking stop, do they.

---Vitelius

Small-Government Conservatives

Remember that army of IRS agents the President was going to hire to enforce his insidious healthcare law? Looks like the Teahadis have found something for them to do.

---Vitelius

Rand is a Proper Noun

Some Very Important People have some very odd fixations. Yet as weird as that story seems on its surface, there's nothing new about any of it. We have had to deal with Rand Paul's type in public life before, for a very long time:

Here is a toilet. Specifically---that's all we're concerned with, specifics---if I can tell you a dirty toilet joke, we must have a dirty toilet. That's what we're talking about, a toilet. If we take this toilet and boil it, and it is clean clean, I can never tell you specifically a dirty toilet joke about this toilet. I can tell you a dirty toilet joke in the Milner Hotel, or something like that, but this toilet is a clean toilet now.

Obscenity is a human manifestation. This toilet has no central nervous system, no level of consciousness. It is not aware---it is a dumb toilet - it cannot be obscene---it's impossible. If it could be obscene, it could be cranky, it could be a Communist toilet, a traitorous toilet. It can do none of these things. This is a dopey toilet, Jim.

So nobody can ever offend you by telling you a dirty toilet story. They can offend you from the area that it's trite---you have heard it many, many times. Now all of us have had a bad early toilet training---that's why we are hung up with it. All of us at the same time got two zingers---one for the police department and one for the toilet. "All right he made a kahkah, call a policeman. All right, OK. Are you going to do that anymore? OK, tell the policeman he doesn't have to come up now.

All right, now we all got the "Policeman, policeman, policeman," and we had a few psychotic parents who took it and rubbed it in our face, and those people for the most, if you search it out, are censors. Oh, true, they hate toilets with a passion, man. Do you realize if you got that ranked around with a toilet, you'll hate it, and anyone who refers to it? It is dirty and uncomfortable to you.

Now if the bedroom is dirty to you, then you are a true atheist, because if you have any of the mores, the superstitions, if anyone in this audience believes that God made his body, and your body is dirty, the fault lies with the manufacturer. It's that cold, Jim, yeah.

You can do anything with the body that God made, and then you want to get definitive and tell me of the parts He made, I don't see that anywhere in any reference to any Bible. Yeah, He made it all. It's all clean, or all dirty.

But the ambivalence comes from the religious leaders, who are celibates. The religious leaders are "what should be." They say they do not involve themselves with the physical. If we are good, we will be like our rabbi, our nun, our priests, and absolve, and finally put down the carnal and stop the race.

Now, dig, this is strange here. Everybody today in the hotel was bugged with Knight and Nixon. Let me tell you the truth. The truth is "what is." If "what is"---you have to sleep eight, ten hours a day, that is the truth. A lie will be: People need no sleep at all. Truth is "what is." If every politician from the beginning is crooked, there is no crooked. But if you are concerned with a lie, "what should be"---and "what should be" is a fantasy, a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago: This is what should be---and no one ever saw what should be, that you don't need any sleep and you can go seven years without sleep, so all the people were made to measure up to that dirty lie. No, there's no crooked politicians. There is never a lie because there is never a truth.

---Vitelius

Man-on-Union Worker is Not a Category at XTube

I think he meant to say they're behaving like their dog is being taken away from them.

---Vitelius

It Says Something About Our Political Culture

That a mere college student can deflate a leading GOP gasbag in the kind of frank and honest manner that our Serious Beltway Journalists would never dream of.

Of course, this won't deter them from inviting the gasbag to their Sunday talkfests to prove again and again how wrong he is on virtually every subject.

---Vitelius

Credit (and Thanks) Where Due

As much as I bitch and moan on this site about the administration in Washington, they remind me nearly every week where we would still be without them.

---Vitelius

How It's Done

It shouldn't have to be this way, but when a gang of smug and sanctimonious white men decide amongst themselves what kind of healthcare options should be available to promiscuous bitches American women, call them out on their arrogance and their utter lack of human empathy:

If saving human lives---at least fifteen, to be exact---is any yardstick, Jackie Speier is more pro-life than any of her Republican colleagues. And she didn't do it by pontificating on the plight of unborn babies from the well of the House of Representatives:

Upon arriving in Georgetown, Guyana's capital, we were told that Jones would not allow us to visit. For three days, our delegation, including relatives of Temple followers and a press contingent, waited while Congressman Ryan, myself, U.S. Embassy official Richard Dwyer and Jim Schollart from the House Foreign Affairs Committee negotiated with Jones' representatives. Eventually, we were given permission to land at Port Kaituma, with no guarantee that we would be permitted to go any further.

On Nov. 17, we landed at Port Kaituma's airstrip. After a brief negotiation in which Congressman Ryan made it clear that he wasn't going to be deterred, our party was loaded onto a dump truck for the 7-mile trip through the jungle to Jonestown.

That evening, we were entertained by members of the compound and spoke to the Temple members whose families had contacted our office. To a person, they swore they were happy and had no desire to leave. Larry Layton, one of Jones' closest assistants, stepped in and said, "We're all very happy here. You see the beauty of this special place."

Don Harris, an NBC news correspondent, walked off to smoke a cigarette. He was approached by two people who slipped him notes saying that we were not seeing the real Peoples Temple. They were being held against their will and wanted to leave. Word spread, and more and more members came to us seeking protection and a way out of their tropical nightmare.

The next afternoon, after a torrential downpour turned the compound to a sticky, muddy swamp, the number of defectors had swelled to more than 40. We called for a third airplane and Congressman Ryan said he'd stay behind while I climbed back into the dump truck with the first group. I was surprised to see Larry Layton among the defectors and insisted that he be searched. Not having any professional security, a journalist patted Layton down, but missed the handgun hidden under his poncho.

Before the truck left, Leo Ryan returned, his shirt torn and bloodied. He had been attacked by a man with a knife while waiting with the other defectors. The situation had grown increasingly tense, and it was decided that we would all go to the airstrip together.

At Port Kaituma, we hurriedly loaded passengers onto two waiting planes. I heard screams and the unfamiliar sound of gunshots as, inside one of the aircraft, Layton opened fire. Within seconds, gunmen leaped from a nearby tractor and leveled their weapons at us. I dived to the ground behind an airplane wheel and pretended to be dead. The next thing I knew, I felt a crushing blow, as if someone had backed over me with a truck. It wasn't a truck, but the first of five bullets, tearing through my flesh.

I was afraid to move for quite some time after the silence resumed. Slowly, I looked around. Bodies lay crumpled on the tarmac. The wounded moved slowly, assessing their injuries. Congressman Ryan, three members of the media, and one of the defectors were dead. I dragged myself to an open airplane door and tried to crawl inside, but the plane's engine had been disabled, so it wasn't going to aid my escape. Some men gingerly laid me on the ground, not noticing that they had placed me on an anthill. I borrowed a reporter's tape recorder and began taping a final message to my family.

For 22 hours I lay, wounded on the muddy tarmac, altering between varying levels of consciousness. Some of the survivors found a nearby bar and brought me Guyanese rum to help dull the pain. At some point, word got to us that Jim Jones had ordered the "White Night," although we had no way of knowing how many of his followers had obeyed his madness.

A Guyanese military plane touched down the next day. I felt my prayers were answered, and I would finally receive medical attention. But the medic had only two aspirin. I remember telling him to just give me one, in case I needed the other later. Real aid wasn't administered until we landed at Georgetown, and I was transferred to a waiting U.S. military medevac plane.

Trying to save others, she nearly died. And as far as Chris Smith and his Republican buddies care, she could have up and died again when her pregnancy went bad. They are deeply amoral people, and they deserve to be publicly shamed for it every day that they wage war on women's health under the guise of doing the people's business.

Update: Go here now.

---Vitelius

It's a Foal, Not a Choice

The philosophical consistency of Republican legislators never ceases to amaze.

---Vitelius

Battlefield Galt

Wonder how they're going to handle the rape scene love scene.

Either way, it'll be interesting to see the boffo box office that's bound to be generated in the middle of a recession---one that was caused by a bunch of reckless rich people who'd rather bitch and moan after the fact about all the poor people who want their money than acknowledge their own culpability---by a movie that's all about a bunch of rich people who plot and scheme and behave very recklessly while bitching and moaning about all the poor people who want their money. Can't wait for the sequel!

---Vitelius

Disgusting, Scurrilous Rumor-Mongering

Yeah, well, it couldn't happen to a better guy whether it's true or not. I'm only surprised that his concubines are both female.

---Vitelius

Some Say Livestock Could Be Involved

To be fair, this blog naturally refrains from trafficking in the kind of baseless and hateful innuendo you find at a site like Media Matters, but then again, the story's already out there, and we're simply reporting what we're hearing from our sources.

---Vitelius

Probably Restating the Obvious

But a lot of Christian fundamentalists are deeply conflicted people.

Then again, I can't think of a better source to turn to for inspiration in such matters than a bunch of ex-NFL taxi-squad guys who made their money by beating the shit out of their colleagues on special teams for five or six minutes each Sunday afternoon, then rubbed one out to X-Tube vids in their hotel rooms afterward since they couldn't afford four grand for an escort and weren't famous enough to get laid on their own. Nothing more inspiring than that, if you ask me.

---Vitelius

But I'm Proud to Be An American

Where at least I know I'm a porn-addled wanker.

---Vitelius

The Bitch Had It Coming Act of 2011

It's really too bad we don't require warning labels on pieces of social legislation the way we do for packs of cigarettes, and for bottles of wine and liquor.

---Vitelius

Things I Didn't Know Before

Abortion rights are just like the War of Northern Aggression.

The fact that this crackpot draws a paycheck from CNN tells you everything you need to know about our modern-day media culture.

---Vitelius

Small-Government Conservatives

Dedicated to the principles of strict constructionism, with a federal government whose authority is limited to those Enumerated Powers granted it under our glorious Constitution. Unless you happen to be female:

Newly energized by their success in November’s midterm elections, conservative legislators in dozens of states are mounting aggressive campaigns to limit abortions.

The lawmakers are drafting, and some have already introduced, bills that would ban most abortions at 20 weeks after conception, push women considering abortions to view a live ultrasound of the fetus, or curb insurance coverage, among other proposals.

In Florida and Kansas, legislators plan to reintroduce measures that were vetoed by previous governors but have the support of the new chief executives, like ultrasound requirements and more stringent regulation of late-term abortions.

“I call on the Legislature to bring to my desk legislation that protects the unborn, establishing a culture of life in Kansas,” Gov. Sam Brownback said last week in his first State of the State message.

“This is the best climate for passing pro-life laws in years,” said Michael Gonidakis, executive director of Ohio Right to Life, expressing the mood in many states. “We’ve got a pro-life governor and a brand new pro-life speaker. Our government now is pro-life from top to bottom.”

I guess if there's any reason why we need to be prepared to work our butts off for Obama next year, in spite of the myriad disappointments, it boils down to to two words: Supreme. Court. Right now there are still five votes on the court to uphold Roe and Casey, and as long as a Democrat inhabits the Oval Office, the ideological balance of power on the bench figures to remain in stasis; after four years of President Huckabee, by contrast, that's no longer likely to be true.

Either way, it has always amazed me that a lot of the same people who bitch and moan about the intolerable encroachment of municipal noise-abatement ordinances and building-safety codes have no qualms whatsoever about summoning the enforcement power of the state to impose mandatory reproduction upon pregnant American women. Nearly 40 years after Roe, it's truly sad that we still have to make the case for reproductive rights, and it's also a obvious cautionary to all the Sensible Centrists in the halls of our state governments: When it comes to preserving the basic rights enumerated under Roe, you cannot compromise with a gang of religious zealots. If the last 40 years have taught us anything, it's this: No matter how many concessions you make, from late-term procedures to parental notification to taxpayer funding for poor and indigent women, the True Believers are never going to stop until they've imposed their anti-majoritarian will on everyone, period----no exception for rape, nor for incest, nada. Let's hope our Democratic lawmakers keep this in mind for the next couple of years, and beyond.

---Vitelius

Semen-Stained Parchment Paper

We've impeached people in this country based on similar evidence, no?

Well, I'd say first that the word 'lust' is more associated with love than it is with violence. I didn't think it's an irrational comment at all -- I just see it as the situation we're in. I have an irrational lust to love the Constitution and fiscal responsibility and individualism.

---Vitelius